to hell with it

Well, three posts in one morning. The day has a feel of being a lazy one or should that be 'easy'.
Nothing major has to be achieved today, clothes do not have to be washed, cleaning does not have to be done. So I am easing myself gently into this day. I have realised i do not have to be this superwoman that other people think I am, I am allowed moments of weakness, I am allowed to just be me, somedays I feel like yelling from the roof "okay I don't want to do this anymore", I want to just go away and forget everything, i want to be selfish and think of me for just once. Meditation does not come easy to me at the moment, thoughts come unbidden to my mind and pick and nibble away till I give up on it. But today feels like a day I can achieve something. I have got rid of some baggage in my previous post and my mind feels a lot clearer so I will sit in a patch of sun in my comfy chair and just relax and breathe in the heady perfume of the lavender and other flowers and drift away to some other level. We have to go to a friends later in the day (perhaps I should rephrase that - we don't have to do anything, we choose to go to our friends) and spend a few hours just having fun. I have a mountain of books that demand attention, just crying out to be read, sitting neglected on a shelf. They deserve better than the dust that is now settling on them. So this evening along with a glass or two of wine I shall curl up in my chair, turn the lights down low and read.

Rereading this it seems I didn't get rid of everything in the last post. Guilt still creeps in. I'm not allowed to have fun cos my beloved is dying etc etc. My mil thinks I haven't come to terms with it because we don't talk about it and we are carrying on as normal. Believe me we've talked.
We've talked to anyone that asked how we were, complete strangers in some cases, we've talked to nurses, doctors, counsellors, friends. We've got all the legal stuff sorted out and now we are just getting on with the living that is left.

Jan