writing

I tend to waffle on in these things. The trouble is I usually get in here after spending ages on the puter and then just quickly type out whatever rubbish is in my head because I usually have to be somewhere else and don't have time left for the intelligent stuff (not that I spout anything remotely intelligent anyways). I can't help it, but at the moment I feel like I can't waste any time, each moment has to be accounted for, life lived to the fullest. I feel guilty just sitting and doing nothing. Also if I stop and relax then I have to think about things and then I get upset and become a dribbling emotional wreck. I'm hopping from one craft to another, I don't seem to be able to settle on one thing. I would dearly love to spend time in my craft room just playing with fabric and buttons and threads and beads. I know if I allow myself to relax and just enjoy my crafting then something bad will happen. Mik is in a lot of pain now and taking more and more morphine tablets. We still try to carry on as best we can but each day gets harder and nearer to the end. He's trying to hang in till after christmas, we had all these milestones we set - stacey being born, our 24th wedding anniversary, the six month date the doc gave us, the folk festival, his mums birthday, christmas and new year, his dads birthday, his brother being cured of cancer, ryans 18th, the kids getting their licences - so many things to stay for and only a short way into the list. He jokes that he hasn't got time to die and I joke he can't go till he's fixed the cupboard doors and made me a new chest. Life isn't easy and neither is dying.

Jan