My heart is broken

Mik decided that he'd had enought this morning (Friday) at 11.30 a.m. I had spent the previous day with him, he was getting more and more agitated and his breathing pattern had changed to quick shallow breaths, more like gulping for air. I had the sense that this would soon be over. Matt was worn out emotionally and physically so I spent last night with Mik, constantly getting up and just holding him ,telling him he was loved, feeding him little pieces of fruit water ices when his mouth was dry. There was utter confusion in his eyes, pleading for release.
He had been panicing the previous week about jobs that needed doing around the house, he wanted to make sure everything was finished, it worried him so much that he couldn't sort it out himself. Today the glazier phoned to make arrangements to fit the new window in the front door (Yes, Jon I will tell you about that later) and I rushed home to arrange for our neighbours to let him in. I left Mik after talling him that he was not to go sneaking off without me, gave him a kiss and told him I loved him and I had to go to sort out the window. By the time I had got hoime the hospital was on the phone telling me I had to rush back, Hastily I rang No.1 son and he said he would go for RYan, I raced out and went and got Matthew. I got stuck in roadworks, which was probably a good thing as i was able to calm myself down, then got stuck behind a truck that had burst bags of chicken feed on it, every pothole and our car was showerered with corn kernels, it was so hot I was surprised it hadn't turned to pop-corn.
As we rushed into the hospital I saw one of the nurses and knew that we were too late, its strange everything was so quiet, all the little wards off the corridor were quiet, the cleaners had stopped cleaning and it was like we were walking into a dream. One of the nurses who was Miks chemo nurse last year just scooped me up into her arms. She left us in the room with MIk and both Matt and I just broke down. I asked the nurses to wait for Liam and Ryan so that they didn't come bursting in to the room without knowing. My great big bear of a son just hugged me and cried like a little boy, Matt grabbed RYan and they just hugged . We all sat with MIk for a while and then Liam and Matt left and it was just me, Ryan and Mik. I really didn't want to leave him, but one journey had just ended and I needed to check out the time-table for the next leg. He always said that he didn't want anybody with him when he went, no family or friends, he just wanted to drift away with no fuss and he got his wish. I really didn't want to go home so we went to friends who live near the hospital, Fred and jan are our dearest friends and Fred was devastated. I thought I'd been all hugged out, but this undemonstrative man just wrapped himself around me and Ryan. I didn't think i had any tears left but more than a few managed to find there way down my cheek. We sat on the verandah after Liam, Charlene and baby stacey joined us and we laughed and joked and told tales about MIk, we even had his chair out and a beer in front of it. It might seem irreverant to some but it did Liam and Ryan a world of good. The healing has started.

It might seem strange to some, me wanting to write all this down so soon after his passing, but as Betty knows it helps to put the words and feelings down on paper so to speak. The words become reality in this dreamlike world that we will be living in for a while, we are able to vocalise our pain. It also helps to ground us, adds a bit of normality.

Jessica Rose has been told and quickly worked out that grandad had gone on holiday to heaven with her old dog and Steve Irwin. The latter being Miks least favourite person so we had a quiet laugh at that. She knows in her four year old wisdom that she won't be seeing him again but he will be able to see her, oh for the innocence of childhood.

Thank you to my wonderful friends who have kept me sane over the past few months, allowing me to rabbit on about nothing in particular in various forums. Thank you to my "SISTERS" for all your prayers that were answered. God bless you all for your genorosity of spirit.

Well my friends I am emotionally drained, I'm going to curl up on the sofa with my two sons (they are both playing their guitars at the moment and it sound so sweet) and watch a movie, eat chocolate and drink wine. Tomorrow is plenty time to plan my new journey.


JanJan